I've been hearing a lot about weight recently, and to be frank, it gets quite sickening. I don't think it's wrong to want to lose weight if  you're overweight or if you've put on a few pounds, but I draw the line at trying to starve yourself doing it, especially if you're not fat at all. I mean, if you're the only one who thinks you're fat, you know there's something wrong.

As a bio undergrad, I could spend the rest of the entry listing out the ways in which starving yourself to death or taking diet pills could be harmful to your body but honestly I think we all know that. But it's more than that. I really can't understand how self-esteem can be wholly tied up to your weight. I know nobody feels fantastic about putting on some excess weight but it's not like fat = loser and skinny = winner.

I know people, some very close to me, who won't fit into the standard definition of skinny that are smart and confident and sexy in their own way. I also know people whose only qualities are skinny, if you know what I mean. 

Being fat or being skinny should not be the sole critera in defining you as a person. I know it's a terrible cliche, but even if you're not skinny or if you don't think you're skinny, the people who matter to you will still think that you're beautiful. It's not because we're lying, it's because we see you for more than a number on the weighting scale. It's because it matters more to me that you're funny, intelligent, motivated, innocent, adorable, have a heart of gold, __________, _______ than the fact that you're not a size 0.

Sure, it'll be perfect if we could all be tall, skinny and drop dead gorgeous with inner beauty but the truth's a bitch. So smile because you're beautiful today, no matter whether you're tall/short/fat/skinny/green/yellow. (:
 

Tonight is just one of those nights where nothing feels right. I mean, to be honest, I've been in worst situations before and there's absolutely no reason to believe I can't pull another rabbit out of the hat again. But that's just it... what's going to happen if and when the luck runs out? My mind's running a mile a minute and my head hurts like a bitch.



 

2 painkillers and 2 melatonin in, I'm still nowhere close to falling asleep.

This sucks. ): 

First real game of the new year, and I sprain my ankle, fml.

X-ray tomorrow, cross your fingers.

I can't believe it'll be 2010 in exactly 2 hours and 18 minutes. It's dark and quiet over here in Windang, Wollongong and we've just returned from a night out at the club where we had horrible chinese food and played jackpot machines. Not quite the wild and crazy partying that I had envisioned but I can live with it. I've been here a week, well 8 days to be exact, and paul's parents have been nothing but amazing. I actually feel kinda sad to be leaving them and going back to brisbane tomorrow.

But living here just reminds me of how much I'm missing out. All the home cooked food, spending time with your family in front of the telly, conversations at the dinnertable and most of all, a mother's love. I would go on, but...

Fuck, I hate this shit. ))): 

"Who is your true self: You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long."

So some days I get a bad case of wunderlust and it feels like I absolutely have to get out of house and interact with someone, even if it's just for a quick cup of coffee. Other days, I just wanna be left alone with the voices in my head. Well, not literally voices telling me to kill someone or that I'm God or anything like that, it's just hard to process and reflect when you're constantly on the move, doing one thing or another, meeting one person or another. 

A lot of times, okay, most of the times, I start the year full of energy, enthusiasm and a firm belief that this is the year when I'm gonna attend classes regularly, work hard at training, make full use of 24 hours in a day, help starving kids in Africa, run for president of United States and generally just be a better person. Then I lose focus, get boggled down in the image that people have of me and/or that I've built in my head - partying all day everyday, carefree and cynical, spendthrift, spoilt brat and overall just a huge asshole - and I get burnt out even before July arrives. 

Seriously, it happens every year.  

But maybe, just maybe, the reality of life is slowly sinking in. 2010 will mark my third year in college and it's only half a semester to go before I get started on my FYP, and a mere 1.5 years before I graduate and enter the working world. And now that my mum's no longer around to coddle and protect me, I guess it's time to nut up or shut up.

So if everything goes according to plans, I fly off down under on Wednesday night. It's the first time I'll be travelling alone, without any family or friends, and while it's natural that I'm kind of apprehensive, I'm also really psyched. I hope this trip will give me time to figure out not what I want to do with my life ( 'cos I already know that) but more importantly, how to get there. There are self-help books, tapes and videos, so I guess this is my self-help trip. 

Hopefully, while I'm there, I'll figure out how to be a better student, daughter, sister, friend and lover. I would love to blog more while I'm there, since I'll pretty much be by myself most of the time and we all know that the best authors are lonely and depressed, but just in case, I don't get any internet while I'm there.

Have a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year, y'all.

xoxo,
J.

To be fair, it's not that I don't do honestly. I mean, I do honestly all the time in my head. It's just that honestly isn't for everyone, you know? People may think that they want you to be honest, but they can't fucking deal with the no-holds barred, in your face BOOMZ kind of honest that the truth demands (and gets). Sugarcoating the truth may buy you some time, but more often then not, the heartache is inevitable. I dunno, you can't blame anyone of us for not being able to deal with the truth, because the truth is dark and mysterious and it scares us all shitless but I just think that all the ambiguity and lies will eventually catch up with us. On the other hand, telling the truth is like opening pandora's box and sometimes, a lot of times, it's so much easier to just smile and allow people to think whatever they want.

So speak the truth and lose a friend, or stfu and keep one?

Decisions people, decisions.

On a completely random note, I cannot believe that there are only 3 more weeks before the term ends. Fucking hell, where has all the time gone to? I swear, given my character, I could go through half my life just bumming around and wake up one morning at the age of 40 with nothing of note to my name except the tshirt on my back and 2 dollars in my bank account (which is honestly, a very depressing thought) so I really need to start studying soon. I need some motivation, and not the you're gonna flunk out of school if you keep this up kind of motivation. Fml.

Anyway, I would love to keep going but the melatonin is working a bit too well and my thoughts are all incoherent and fractured so I think I'm gonna hit the sack and save all of this for another day.

 

Gawd, 2 matches in 3 days is no joke seriously. I kinda feel like a truck has ran me over and backed up to make sure I'm dead. HAHA.
So I'm really glad that we're gonna have a couple of days (4!) to rest and recover before the next match, but then it's going to be another 3 matches in a week slug-fest. Sunig vs. SMU on thursday, then Pesta Sukan (!!) on Sunday before our league match vs. Ottawa Serpents the following Tuesday. To be honest, I can't wait for everything to end on the 17th because it's been so insane, but I'm surprised at how fast the league flew by.

Anyway, tonight's match vs. Arion was a big match for a lot of different reasons and I'm really glad that we managed to achieve a good result even though I feel that the 5-0 scoreline makes the match appear a lot easier than it was. In reality, it was a scrappy, physical match but our strikers took their chances well. NUS on Thursday was a lot like this as well, except that we couldn't make our possession count and it ended up a rather low-scoring affair at 2-0. I thought NUS played well, given the fact that it was a new team with new faces. They were determined and quick to pressure us when we had the ball, plus the sucky field made it practically impossible to play a quick passing game. But somehow I don't agree with all the dirty tackles, shoving and shirt/hand-pulling that was going on. We played hard though (the NTU-NUS rivalry is always an extra motivation!), and playing as the last man, I'm happy we didn't gift them many chances.

All in all, NTUWS is looking kind of awesome at the moment and I think we've really matured as a team this season. We're finally learning how to be consistent week in and week out, how to be patient when the opponent puts 10 men behind the ball and how to grind out results even when we're not playing well and I really really hope that we'll be able to finish strong 'cos it'll be nice to have something to show for all that hard work and effort come the end of the season (WOAH, try saying that in one breath).

I can't deny that it feels good to be a part of a team that's been winning consistently and plays good, positive football, but I have a nagging feeling at the back of my head that something's missing. I don't know what's wrong and why, it just feels different this time around. Though after much thought, I've given up on trying to figure out why, and I've decided to just shut up and enjoy my football. I suppose things get much easier when you treat this exactly like what it is (a game) and (try very hard) not to be too concerned with what goes on off the field.

On another note, recess week has absolutely flew by and I've had zero time to study or rest because I've been swamped with work. Not really school work, but work work though I do have to submit a full lab report on Monday. I seriously cannot wait for Tuesday to end because it's been hellish but I know I'm going to have to work hard to make sure we put up a good show. Whatever it is, I'm gonna take it easy the rest of the week after Tuesday before I put my head down and try to make it through the rest of the semester in good shape. 

I need a long ass holiday.    

It's 4am in the morning and my head hurts, but whether it's from the lack of sleep or the insane dream I just had is unclear. That's twice now that I've dreamt about you, and to be honest, I don't know why. I mean, isn't there usually some sort of a take home message to be derived from these kind of dreams? If so, I'm not sure what mine is supposed to be. Maybe you're trying to tell me that you never wanted to leave, but I knew that already. I never wanted you to go either, and now that you're gone, I miss you every single day.
I've been talking about how I want to live my life to the fullest now that you're no longer around, but I know that my life would have just as meaningful if you were still here, even if that means that I've to look after you for the rest of my life and fucking hell, I would gladly take that in a heartbeat.

In my dreams, it's always a bit blurry and I don't ever get to see your face. Somehow, that fucking bugs me. I don't need to know whether you're in her idea of heaven or his idea of nirvana. All I've ever wanted to know since you've left is if you were happy now, because your happiness will go a long way towards justifying all the pain I've been going through.

In some ways, it's been a lot easier since. I don't have to live my life in constant anticipation and fear, waiting for the other shoe to fall. But you and I both know that my life is a whole lot poorer without you because you were always the best part of me.

Gawd, today's gonna be some long ass day.